Sunday, August 28, 2011

Melissa's Day

Melissa Flowers' funeral is today. I'm trying to decide what to bring for the family. Think I'm going to go by the store, then by my brother's for coffee. Hmmmm.... maybe coffee first then store, that will give me time to think about what to bring. I'll be posted throughout the day on events.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

End of Hell Week

8/27/11

Sweet Saturday and the end to this most unique week.

My baby is home from the shop, but still broken. She’s drivable, but her bad head gaskets will be the inevitable death of her engine. Perhaps I can raise the money to get her repaired. That would be nice. In the meantime, I will keep fluid in her and only drive her to work and the store.

My friend’s funeral is tomorrow. I hate funerals. It may seem crazy to say that because any normal person would hate funerals, but you would be amazed at how many funeral chasers are out there. At any rate, this whole thing is so sad.

I’ve gone through a host of emotions this week, self-pity, fear and anger being the top three. As the week neared the end any solution that I thought of went up in smoke. My situation is such that I’m kinda stuck in this shitty quicksand for at least another 6 months. I realized that mostly everyone I know is in some “trap” that they cannot get out of. Something like a "calm" came over me. Fuck my shitty situation! I’ll just simply adapt! I will not let this kill my spirit.

Yes, it feels like the world has thrown my ass away, but I am not garbage! Fuck all of those that had a hand in this! I have dreams and aspirations that I will never let go. I’m on a new kind of mission in life now. Only people that matter are my daughter and I. I will start by speaking up for myself despite someone’s fragile ego. I will do what is best for me despite hurt feelings.

I am quickly learning that loyalty and respect goes two ways and if I feel that I am the only one dishing it out then “Houston, we have a problem!” I’ve stayed in situations way to long based on loyalty and respect. NO MORE!

My own daughter was the one that told me I’m too nice, that I already knew, but she drove the point home. I don’t know, something in the way she said it. Maybe it’s because she’s so wise at her age. So now it’s all about me!

And I feel something that I haven’t felt in years… I actually feel at peace and dare I say happy and hopeful! Things are at their worse and I don’t care J

Thursday, August 25, 2011

August 25, 2011

August 25, 2011


This has been quite the week. I suppose I have never felt what utterly alone really feels like until Tuesday. 

It has been a tough year. What is so disappointing about it is that I really had high hopes for 2011. It disappointed miserably. Not just for me but everyone around me pretty much. 

I’ve been sinking deeper into the quicksand of misfortune for so long and this year it seemed to accelerate. At some points, I still have to pinch myself to know that things are as fucked up as they seem. 

Tuesday was no different, actually worse. My car is done for with only $1,800 left to pay on it. Here’s the capper, the repair job for the damaged head gaskets will cost me $1,200 - $1,800 and that’s the quote without even looking at how badly the engine has been damaged. 

Since our days at work have been furloughed, I now make less than I owe so I’ve long since let my credit card payment go… and am still struggling. So needless to say my credit is taking a serious nose dive. 

EPIC FUCK

I’m scared and for the first time in a long time I see know solution to my dilemma. Yes, I will try to get another car with a low, low payment, but I’m in no position to bargain. I can move to a cheaper house, but can I even afford to move? I don’t have first and last month’s rent or some ungodly deposit they will require. All I can do is try with uncertainty.

Once again and really for the first time, “I’m crawling in the dark!” And for the first time in I am truly scared and powerless to get myself and my daughter out of this situation. I feel like a failure to her. If only it were just me, I can accept my failure as an adult. But as a mother and provider for my child, even down to her father that was never of any use or asset to her… I have failed.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Words


Words...

Can tell a tale...
Or bring a smile...
Break a heart...
And bring a tear...

Words can do so much
They can take you an inch or a mile
We speak so many of them a day
For utter silence, words are the cure

Today my heart I clutch
My words; intended for one thing
Comprehended in quite another
So many words to misunderstand

Words you can’t take back
I didn’t intend for them to sting
Words fell short of my self expression
Wish a could gather them back up in my hand

But gone they are, my heart feels black
Didn’t intend to hurt or complain
I’m confused; that’s my confession
Please forgive me, I’m only human.

Words...

To say I love you...
And heal pain...
To say I’m sorry...
And to forgive a man...

Friday, August 12, 2011

Food

Sigh,
I have an incurable craving for something thick with cream, sugar, butter and that is crumbly, moist with a bit of crispiness. I’ve perused 2 food blogs today… I love food because I usually don’t indulge in a lot of it; as I try to maintain and most times lose weight and I’m a sucker for wonderful pictures of “anything.”

Beautifully photographed food is an awesome marriage between two things I would love to be doing on a full time basis. Well, not full time… I much rather write than anything. But creating culinary exquisiteness and capturing them on a sweet digital would be pretty epic!

As it stands, my life is the song Mad World right now and my creative prowess’s are reduced to the one thing I love the most… writing! Silver lining – I have hands. To combine my writing with photography would be uber-terrif!  But my Mad World status has my income and out-pays very unbalanced in the wrong direction if you catch my drift. Imagine that, making good money and still can’t afford shit!

Just another random thought by Elaine who loves to write, but mostly doesn’t have an audience to listen. Reminds me of the tree falling in the forest and no one being there… you know where I’m going with this?

Pie!



Saturday, August 6, 2011

stuck, stuck...


Stuck stuck
Fuck fuck
In this town
It brings me down
Got no money
Got no honey
Bored as shit
This is the pits
Got no friends
When will this end
Nothing to do
I have no clue
What to do next
Someone just text
Wish I had wine
But don't have a dime
This sounds like a country song
And it's very long
Stuck, stuck
Fuck, fuck

Oh PS... my dog died (lol). j/k


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

FML

The sun shines, but I can't feel it's warmth
I drink of the cool waters, but it never quenches my thirst.
There is a room full of family and friends, yet I always feel alone.
I play beautiful music, but all I can hear is silence.

I am contently looking for the light, but I cannot behold it
I pray for life, all I'm given is an existence. 








Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Getting My Hair Did!


http://www.examiner.com/interracial-relationships-in-jacksonville/getting-my-hair-did

My Decision

I totally have a decision to make, I've been wavering back and forth for months now. How does one choose between something they love and something they need?

I've been here before. I wavered to long. Yes it was a different type of sitch, but nevertheless it was something that I should have made a decision on when I realized it was going South. All the signs were there. I just kept making excuses for ba
d and insensitive behavior, holding onto something that isn't working anymore, just because it looks like something I really wanted. There is better out there for me.

This new sitch is not a human, but an entity and and of course, some of the humans in the entity :-). I dearly love it. It's been in my life for so long and I'm comfortable with it. It's seems like the best place to do what I truly love doing, but i thought that before. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side when your current grass is just fucking dying. Go out and buy some more!!!

Ok, ok, what I'm saying is that I cannot let fear keep me bound in this sinking ship. I can do this on my own. I have such a wonderful plan. I don't want to be the coward that I saw before me before. I'm fucking worth it and my dream is worth it. I will not ditch myself. I will fight for happiness until I die.

I've made a decision!!!

I quit!!! LOL

Monday, August 1, 2011

crève-cœur

total strangers

Every day that passes
The distance gets wider
The deeper the wounds
More extensive the damage
Hearts grow numb
Soon we will forget
Distant memory
Total strangers
Major lost

Death of a Hopeless Romantic


Denial - this to will pass, God has that special person picked out just for you, you deserve better, he or she is still out there, you need to enjoy being single, be patient, don’t look for love and it will find you… yadda yadda yadda! Yes, we still believe that there is someone for everyone and we just haven’t found them yet.

Anger – Why is it taking so long? This is fucking unfair! And I’m tired of hearing the stupid clichés above! Especially the ones that married people always spit out at you! What do they know; most of them want to be single like you anyway! And the .00000001% that are happy are just some freggin’ LUCKY BASTARDS!

Bargaining – Ok God, what am I doing wrong here? Sorry for getting angry, PULLLLEEEEAAASSSE forgive me!!!! I am the epitome of POSITIVE THINKING! Enter the self-help books to aid you in how not to act to desperate, how not to act interested, how to be a jerk or a bitch (but not for real, just for pretend until your crush realizes that they cannot live without you) and most importantly not to return his or her phone call until the 3rd time he or she calls you and half past the cows ass according to his balls. Makes absolutely no sense??? I know, RIGHT!

Depression – There must be something wrong with me. I’m not pretty or handsome enough, must be to fat, job is not good enough, to many kids, not enough kids, acne, too much hair, not enough hair, my thumbs are too short, my toes are too long, I don’t drive the right car… on and on with the self-abuse! 5 tubs of ice cream, 30lbs of potato chips and a keg of beer later; we are in a toxic induced stupor and no matter what we do, eat or drink we feel like a pile of shit!

Alone and not pleased with ourselves, we don’t want to leave the house or bother with anything if it isn’t sweet, salty, fat-laden or alcoholic in nature. Exercise? What’s that? We don’t even remember how to spell that word much less do a squat (unless we are retrieving a tater chip that fell to the floor… fuck yeah)!

Ambien, take me away… can I get a side of Paxil with that?

Acceptance - Slowly, ever so slowly, reality sets in… Life Isn’t Always Fair! And despite what the Christians say, “Bad things DO happen to good people!” and that includes the happily ever after! Despite all the positive thinking in the world, we must be prepared to except that not everyone has a lasting soul-mate or a soul-mate to begin with. We are not living in a Hollywood movie, or a beautiful poem or a love song. As a matter of fact, those things are to blame for our very unrealistic outlook on love. I’m not saying IT doesn’t exist. Of course it does, but it’s not all pretty. It’s fucking hard to maintain after the honeymoon is over and let’s face, a lot of us are just too damn selfish to try and to work for something that will not always be EASY! As a good friend told me once, “It should not be a chore to be with someone and if it does become chore, that person should be worth working for until it’s not a chore anymore.” Real people in real relationships fall in and out of love with each other… but they stick it out together. Society has programed us to look for total perfection.

Now that we are all “shallow” and “brainwashed” we wonder why we are alone. Even if we are not shallow, decent people are just fucking hard to nail down. Most people are not in a relationship for a reason and you are not in one because all you keep meeting are these losers that don’t even know how to spell the word, or know what it means to be in one, for that matter.

With all this, we realize that while we are lonely, we may not be as bad off as we think. Billy Bob just mention to you last week how alone he feels and his wife Mary Ann and their 15 children were sitting at the same picnic table in his back yard… Really? Yes, really!

If it happens, it happens. I just want to be myself and not pretend I don’t like you so that you can like me more and if the person of interest can’t respect or appreciate that then I just need to remember that most people are idiots anyway! That’s what friends and sex toys are for… to fill the void!

In closing, I hope you enjoyed this bit of commentary on all things relationship or the lack there of. I truly enjoyed writing it and laughed my way through it. This is how I cope, people… with a bit of truthful humor. I hope this made you smile or chuckle a just a little.

I Choose You!


http://www.examiner.com/interracial-relationships-in-jacksonville/i-choose-you