This has been quite the week. I suppose I have never felt what utterly alone really feels like until Tuesday.
It has been a tough year. What is so disappointing about it is that I really had high hopes for 2011. It disappointed miserably. Not just for me but everyone around me pretty much.
I’ve been sinking deeper into the quicksand of misfortune for so long and this year it seemed to accelerate. At some points, I still have to pinch myself to know that things are as fucked up as they seem.
Tuesday was no different, actually worse. My car is done for with only $1,800 left to pay on it. Here’s the capper, the repair job for the damaged head gaskets will cost me $1,200 - $1,800 and that’s the quote without even looking at how badly the engine has been damaged.
Since our days at work have been furloughed, I now make less than I owe so I’ve long since let my credit card payment go… and am still struggling. So needless to say my credit is taking a serious nose dive.
I’m scared and for the first time in a long time I see know solution to my dilemma. Yes, I will try to get another car with a low, low payment, but I’m in no position to bargain. I can move to a cheaper house, but can I even afford to move? I don’t have first and last month’s rent or some ungodly deposit they will require. All I can do is try with uncertainty.
Once again and really for the first time, “I’m crawling in the dark!” And for the first time in I am truly scared and powerless to get myself and my daughter out of this situation. I feel like a failure to her. If only it were just me, I can accept my failure as an adult. But as a mother and provider for my child, even down to her father that was never of any use or asset to her… I have failed.