Monday, August 1, 2011

Death of a Hopeless Romantic

Denial - this to will pass, God has that special person picked out just for you, you deserve better, he or she is still out there, you need to enjoy being single, be patient, don’t look for love and it will find you… yadda yadda yadda! Yes, we still believe that there is someone for everyone and we just haven’t found them yet.

Anger – Why is it taking so long? This is fucking unfair! And I’m tired of hearing the stupid clichés above! Especially the ones that married people always spit out at you! What do they know; most of them want to be single like you anyway! And the .00000001% that are happy are just some freggin’ LUCKY BASTARDS!

Bargaining – Ok God, what am I doing wrong here? Sorry for getting angry, PULLLLEEEEAAASSSE forgive me!!!! I am the epitome of POSITIVE THINKING! Enter the self-help books to aid you in how not to act to desperate, how not to act interested, how to be a jerk or a bitch (but not for real, just for pretend until your crush realizes that they cannot live without you) and most importantly not to return his or her phone call until the 3rd time he or she calls you and half past the cows ass according to his balls. Makes absolutely no sense??? I know, RIGHT!

Depression – There must be something wrong with me. I’m not pretty or handsome enough, must be to fat, job is not good enough, to many kids, not enough kids, acne, too much hair, not enough hair, my thumbs are too short, my toes are too long, I don’t drive the right car… on and on with the self-abuse! 5 tubs of ice cream, 30lbs of potato chips and a keg of beer later; we are in a toxic induced stupor and no matter what we do, eat or drink we feel like a pile of shit!

Alone and not pleased with ourselves, we don’t want to leave the house or bother with anything if it isn’t sweet, salty, fat-laden or alcoholic in nature. Exercise? What’s that? We don’t even remember how to spell that word much less do a squat (unless we are retrieving a tater chip that fell to the floor… fuck yeah)!

Ambien, take me away… can I get a side of Paxil with that?

Acceptance - Slowly, ever so slowly, reality sets in… Life Isn’t Always Fair! And despite what the Christians say, “Bad things DO happen to good people!” and that includes the happily ever after! Despite all the positive thinking in the world, we must be prepared to except that not everyone has a lasting soul-mate or a soul-mate to begin with. We are not living in a Hollywood movie, or a beautiful poem or a love song. As a matter of fact, those things are to blame for our very unrealistic outlook on love. I’m not saying IT doesn’t exist. Of course it does, but it’s not all pretty. It’s fucking hard to maintain after the honeymoon is over and let’s face, a lot of us are just too damn selfish to try and to work for something that will not always be EASY! As a good friend told me once, “It should not be a chore to be with someone and if it does become chore, that person should be worth working for until it’s not a chore anymore.” Real people in real relationships fall in and out of love with each other… but they stick it out together. Society has programed us to look for total perfection.

Now that we are all “shallow” and “brainwashed” we wonder why we are alone. Even if we are not shallow, decent people are just fucking hard to nail down. Most people are not in a relationship for a reason and you are not in one because all you keep meeting are these losers that don’t even know how to spell the word, or know what it means to be in one, for that matter.

With all this, we realize that while we are lonely, we may not be as bad off as we think. Billy Bob just mention to you last week how alone he feels and his wife Mary Ann and their 15 children were sitting at the same picnic table in his back yard… Really? Yes, really!

If it happens, it happens. I just want to be myself and not pretend I don’t like you so that you can like me more and if the person of interest can’t respect or appreciate that then I just need to remember that most people are idiots anyway! That’s what friends and sex toys are for… to fill the void!

In closing, I hope you enjoyed this bit of commentary on all things relationship or the lack there of. I truly enjoyed writing it and laughed my way through it. This is how I cope, people… with a bit of truthful humor. I hope this made you smile or chuckle a just a little.

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