Saturday, August 27, 2011

End of Hell Week

8/27/11

Sweet Saturday and the end to this most unique week.

My baby is home from the shop, but still broken. She’s drivable, but her bad head gaskets will be the inevitable death of her engine. Perhaps I can raise the money to get her repaired. That would be nice. In the meantime, I will keep fluid in her and only drive her to work and the store.

My friend’s funeral is tomorrow. I hate funerals. It may seem crazy to say that because any normal person would hate funerals, but you would be amazed at how many funeral chasers are out there. At any rate, this whole thing is so sad.

I’ve gone through a host of emotions this week, self-pity, fear and anger being the top three. As the week neared the end any solution that I thought of went up in smoke. My situation is such that I’m kinda stuck in this shitty quicksand for at least another 6 months. I realized that mostly everyone I know is in some “trap” that they cannot get out of. Something like a "calm" came over me. Fuck my shitty situation! I’ll just simply adapt! I will not let this kill my spirit.

Yes, it feels like the world has thrown my ass away, but I am not garbage! Fuck all of those that had a hand in this! I have dreams and aspirations that I will never let go. I’m on a new kind of mission in life now. Only people that matter are my daughter and I. I will start by speaking up for myself despite someone’s fragile ego. I will do what is best for me despite hurt feelings.

I am quickly learning that loyalty and respect goes two ways and if I feel that I am the only one dishing it out then “Houston, we have a problem!” I’ve stayed in situations way to long based on loyalty and respect. NO MORE!

My own daughter was the one that told me I’m too nice, that I already knew, but she drove the point home. I don’t know, something in the way she said it. Maybe it’s because she’s so wise at her age. So now it’s all about me!

And I feel something that I haven’t felt in years… I actually feel at peace and dare I say happy and hopeful! Things are at their worse and I don’t care J

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